Stuff

Whew, it's been awhile.
Here's what's up with me (other than making a few cosmetic changes to this blog):
1. I'm a dummy. Because I went on a friend's FB page knowing exactly what I'd find, pictures of that ginger whoreface. Ugh, I deserved the knots it brought to my stomach because I'm an idiot glutton for punishment. And I was doing so well...
2. I got a new phone...only I'm sort of afraid to do anything fun with it. I got a touch screen because it was all cute and expensive and FREE, and I had to get a data plan so I got the cheap one. Only now I'm afraid to do anything since it's not unlimited and I have no idea how many MBs I'm going to use.
3. My jewelry parties have been slacking (some cancels in May) which could have been a good thing considering how busy I was in May (see #4) but now I'm kinda screwed for June/July. One good thing is that I signed up a new jeweler! I'm pretty dang stoked about that.
4. I threw a kick ass surprise 30th birthday party for Pissboy, which he loved (or so he says). I also co-threw a kick ass fabulous baby shower for one of my best friends. I told you I was busy. I actually love planning parties, but I'd probably love it more with someone else's money.
5. This one sucks...my mom's dog is not doing well, and will probably not be with us too much longer. I am quite distraught over this, as is my mother and sister. We're not dog lovers, we're dog parents and sisters and such. Praying he doesn't suffer, that's the worst thing.
6. I am desperately trying to get a new job because I loathe my current one so much. I had a great phone interview on Tuesday and I'm just waiting for HR to call me and set up the in-person interview I was promised. If I don't hear from them by tomorrow I'm following up. I happen to know that they are quite short-staffed. Pray, people, not only for my paycheck but for my sanity.
7. There are too many projects at my home to list, but I'm slowly getting things done. More slowly than I'd like, but when I'm motivated it's hard to motivate PB all the time. I kinda wish he'd be more proactive.
8. PB and I are doing great...living together is working out pretty well so far. Now if we could just get these bills taken care of so we'd get our finances regulated.
9. Some really great festivals in the neighborhood are happening RIGHT NOW so that's always a fun thing. One of my favorite events of the year.

So that's it for now. Nothing earth-shattering but lots keeping me busy.

Mother, tell your children not to walk my way...

My mother, who is one of the greatest people I know, can also be one of the most hurtful people I know.

We're talking about a woman who sacrificed much for my sister and me. She was born to be a mother and did a hell of a job raising us, despite some major hurdles along the way. But as much as I love, respect, and admire her, she infurates me more than most people.

When PB and I had our issues, I didn't go to her. I couldn't bear the hurt it was going to cause her to have to witness what I was going through. At that time, I didn't want to inflict that on her. She knew only that we had broken up.

One day after I'd decided to give him a second chance, she asked me point blank if he cheated. I didn't lie, but I didn't go through all the dirty details. She surprised me by saying that forgiveness is important, no matter where the relationship ends up, and that if I'm more happy with him than without him, then maybe it's worth salvaging.

I was both touched and relieved by this.

More than a year has passed since then. My sister has been unhappy with my decision to stay with him, and only started to thaw a bit recently, but my mom was relatively supportive. I can tell when she's holding back or not entirely thrilled with the situation, but for the most part she's been ok with him.

Then yesterday I made the mistake of letting her in on something personal that has been on my mind lately.

Facebook suggested a new friend for me recently...my ex-boyfriend. He was the one I was with for most of my 20's, and we broke up 4 years ago. God, as I type that I can't even believe it's been that long.

We had a good relationship, but I knew from day one that it wasn't going to last forever, and that I'd never marry him. As much as I loved him, I knew our relationship had an expiration date. 6 years later, that date had come and it ended. It was horribly sad, and probably the most difficult break-up I've ever been through, but I knew it was for the best.

So when Facebook suggested him, I didn't add him as a friend (even though there's no bad blood that I know of, I didn't think it was a good idea) but I did look at his profile. I managed to figure out from wall posts that his dad is in the hospital, and was or is in a coma for some reason. After much thought I decided to drop him a line to wish his family well in this difficult time. I called him, but his number has apparently been changed, so I did what I really didn't want to do, and wrote him a message on Facebook. It just said that I saw that his father is sick, I tried to call, and that I hope he and his family are ok, and they're in my thoughts and prayers. That's it.

He responded a few days later saying thanks, things are better, and he hopes I'm well. Nothing more than that. I decided to let it go and not respond back. If he wanted to divulge or speak to me more, he would have.

The situation made me a bit sad. It's hard to think that this family, who was more or less my own family for 6 years, is going through such a trauma and although I care a great deal, I'm completely on the outside. Although it's sad, I'm ok with this, because it has to be this way for a number of reasons, the most important of which being the following two: First, it may cause more hurt to my ex for me to be around, and second, he has a girlfriend, and a whole new life separate from me. I don't want to do anything to disrupt that or make anyone uncomfortable. It's no longer my place. So while it's appropriate for me to stay away, it's still sad.

I mentioned all this to my mom last night, and regretted it almost immediately.

First she asked why I was sad, so I explained. She seemed to get it, but then she decides to tell me how hard it was for her and my sister when we broke up. I already knew it was hard on everyone, his family, my family, and obviously the two of us. Then she used the word "devastated" to describe how my sister felt about it.

This threw me. I knew we were all upset, but I didn't realize just how upset they were. She goes on to tell me that my sister looked at him like a brother in law, and she had a really hard time with the break up. She also told me about when she (mom) ran into him and his dad not long after, and how both he and my mom teared up, etc. She says this is why she tries not to get involved with our boyfriends, because it's hard when it's over, he was a good guy, etc. She harped on this point.

Really, mom? Is this what I need to be hearing right now?

I got the feeling that this was her subtle way of telling me she wasn't happy with my choices, and perhaps she wished I was still with my ex. Maybe that's just me projecting that on her, but it's the feeling I got from her tone, and this is not a good feeling. It really pissed me off.

I tried to get off this topic by cutting if off with a comment like "well, he is a great guy, just not the right one for me". Which is true...if we were supposed to be together, we would be. I wouldn't have been uncertain, filled with doubt, and feeling like I was settling for a life I didn't necessarily want. There are lots of wonderful people out there...I'm not meant to be with all of them.

So then of course out of left field she starts asking me about my new living situation with PB. It almost sounded accusatory after the conversation we just had. She asked me things like how do we split the bills, etc. I was a bit taken aback.

The conversation then moved on to my car, and as innocuous as that may sound, I felt like she was criticizing me about that, too. She knows I want a new car and asked what kind I was going to get, so I told her the same one I have now, just new. She goes on to say what a shame that is, because everyone loves that car, people are always saying that, and I've kept it looking so nice, etc. Jesus, mom! Are you really giving me a guilt trip about wanting to replace my 9 year old car that keeps needing expensive repair? REALLY?

So I got off the phone as quickly as I could, which was not nearly quickly enough. By this point, I was just pissed. The good mood I had been in was long gone.

It's amazing to me how someone who has been such an angel in my life can rip me apart like that. Do I ever experience uncertainty? Of course I do! But do I know that the decisions I've made up to now have been the right ones for me, for whatever reason? Yes. I'm sure of it. If I was meant to be with my ex, it would have worked out. I wouldn't have started dreading his calls. I wouldn't have pulled away like I did, not wanting to be romantic. I wouldn't have toiled about the decision to end things and devastated him the way I did when I finally had to. I wouldn't have let him go. But I did...because I know in my heart that it was the right thing for both of us.

And today I'm in love with someone else. We've had the worst of times, and managed to come through it and we're still working through it because we love each other enough to do that. I'm happy with this and look forward to what is to come. What I want is what I have.

Well, that and a new car.

Oh God, I almost forgot...

I frickin read Twilight. Yeah...I had to. I just couldn't make fun of my friends and call them Twitards without at least knowing what it was all about. So I read it.

Let me say this...I get it. I get why teenagers love it, as well as lonely housewives, single women, women in lousy relationships looking for a romantic escape. I also get the fact that these are not the only demographic who are into this series.

When I was a kid, I would have eaten this UP. I would have been sucked in (excuse the pun, it's unintentional) just as badly as the rest of them, pining away for my own Edward to come along and wisk me away from my humble life. Oh yeah, I totally would have been on team Edward, by the way.

I get it. It was a fast read (I literally just sat down and read the damn thing in a matter of hours) and it was not completely uninteresting.

I do not, however, have any desire to venture further into this series, or EVER watch any of those movies. I just loathe Kristen Stewart on screen and the story didn't grab me enough to want to sit through it. I won't belittle the story, the characters, the author, and all the other usual suspects when it comes to Twilight. I won't say that it's the downfall of our civilization, or even idiot teenagers. I'll just say that it's not for me.

And now I can continue to make fun of my friends and feel a little better about it.

I must admit...I did sort of enjoy the part where Bella was getting beat up by that one hunter or tracker or whatever vampire. That was my favorite part.

To blog...or not to blog...that is the question.

I have really been slacking in the blog department.
I can tell you that this little break wasn’t entirely by accident. For awhile the subject most on my mind was the one I wanted to talk about the least. I started to write a couple of times but 2 sentences in would hit the X and walk away.
What I don’t want is for this blog to turn into some weepy, self-serving cry for attention. I don’t want to post every time I’m feeling down or whenever I’m having a lousy day, complaining and feeling sorry for myself. This blog was never intended to be an angry rant. The problem is, that is when I feel most compelled to write.
Truthfully, I don’t know what this blog is meant to be. It started with a response to the story Pissboy told about us, so it didn’t begin on a light or happy note, really. Our story (one side of it) was already out there, and I saw it as an opportunity to not just spill my guts on unwitting strangers, but to let go of some of the thoughts and feelings I was having throughout our troubles. It was a continuation of our story, and while every post has not been about us, the foundation of this blog was just that.
I’ve been conflicted along the way, wondering just how much to reveal. Some of you are no longer strangers out there in the internet universe, but people whose faces I see fairly frequently. Some of you have become our friends-in real life, not just online. So it’s begun to feel a bit strange when I put our business out there, or hash out some emotional issue I’m having via this blog. I’m not just anonymously casting these feelings out into the universe for strangers to view and sometimes weigh in, helpful or not, supportive or not. It's personal.
And it’s not just me that I have to think about. How much information does he want out there, for friends and acquaintances to see? Part of me argues, “well he started it”, but that’s not very helpful. Or fair.
I'm conflicted. This isn't the first time I've posted a blog like this. I am not really sure what to do at the moment.
I'll say this much:
Fuck Jesse James and Tiger Woods. Fuck them both very much.

Rant: Over

Sorry about the rant, folks. I was not in a good mood yesterday.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I have my car back from Mechanic #3, it's not fixed, but I'm not nearly as mad as I was. We're waiting for the check engine light to come on so that the computer can read definitively what is wrong with my car, rather than Mechanic #3 guessing and unnecessarily charging me a bunch of dough to "fix" something that isn't broken.

So I'm calmer. Mechanic #3 seems cool so far.

I'm also calmer because this weekend PB and I have a plan. We have a plan to organize the house-not the whole thing, just the parts still in a disarray since the official move-in. I'm a giant dork for being excited about this, but I'm a partial* neat freak so this makes me happy. Having a plan makes me happy. Knowing that I'm going to have help and I won't have to angrily throw things into drawers and boxes while fuming about the lack of help, like I have been doing.

The (relatively) minor chaos in my house is adding to my bad mood. So is my impending girlie time.

Another plan we talked about also makes me happier...the financial one. I have a goal to get a new car by the end of the year and I will need to accomplish a few things first. 1. Pay down some debt, and 2. make some room in the budget for a car payment. When I mentioned this PB didn't run away, pointing at me, screaming "debtor, DEBTOR!" at the top of his lungs, he actually spoke of us working out a financial plan together to help us both out and for me to accomplish this goal.

I was floored. Apparently part of living together is forming a partnership, in more ways than just geographically. I guess I've got a bit to learn in this department.

So while I've still got the very same problems I had yesterday, I've been talked off the cliff and I'm calmer than I've been in awhile. Yay.

*"Partial" means that I am insane about being neat at times, and in certain rooms. If my first floor isn't presentable, I feel nuts. However, my office has looked like an episode of Hoarders for the last 2 years. Go figure.

Fuck You, Car.

My stupid fucking car is stupid fucking broken. And the stupid fucking mechanics haven't figured out what's fucking wrong with it.

After being snowed in for over a week, I finally got to drive my stupid fucking car. I was "wheeeee!!!" for a fleeting moment...then my car started doing what I can only describe as "bucking".

I took it to mechanic #1: $468 later, still no remedy. Maybe transmission problem, go see a transmission specialist.

Mechanic #2: It's not a transmission problem, it's the engine. Go see an engine specialist.

Today is the day that I drop it off at mechanic #3, who I'm sure is poised to rob me.

I want a new car. So badly that I can taste it. But 1, I can't afford a payment right now, and my current soul-sucker is paid off, and 2, I want to pay down some debt first so that I have a chance in hell of getting a very low or 0% rate like I did last time.

I'm frustrated. Times like this make me miss my stupid fucking dad...he was decent at fixing cars, although I'm sure anything involving something like a tranny or an engine would have been beyond his expertise. But if he was less of a douche he could have at least saved me $468.

Stupid fucking dad. Stupid fucking car.

Mi Casa es Su Casa

Well, it’s official. We’re shacked up, living in sin, having the cow for free, so to speak. And I find myself…happy.

Yesterday we removed the last of his belongings to either a dumpster or to my…ahem, our house. He turned in his keys, left the forwarding address, and came “home” for the first time, officially.
I find myself smiling as I write this.

There’s something symbolic about this…not just the next step in our relationship, but it marks the close of a chapter as well. Shedding himself of this apartment doesn’t just mean that he no longer pays rent for what had essentially become a one bedroom storage unit, it also frees us from a part of the past. A part that was dark, the events which occurred within those walls. Like a crime scene.
I admit, I didn’t dare set foot in the bedroom. I could feel her in the whole apartment and found myself wondering where she had been, what she had touched, what she left.

This feels like some baggage has been left behind. To me the apartment was a last tie to the past. This may sound a little crazy but I began to see it as a hideout, and a place he could keep secrets from me, and I didn’t like it. It’s not as if he’d been using it in that way for the past year, but there was a time that he did, so I suppose it’s not entirely unwarranted. Leaving that place means he’s giving up the shadows and secrets.

It’s also symbolic of growing up. Losing the bachelor pad and building a life in an adult relationship. A loving relationship, not one of convenience or born out of loneliness or boredom. A relationship we both want to be in and that we’re working hard for.

I’m happy. I’m happy he’s away from all that, both geographically and emotionally. I’m happy that he wants to be together, sharing a home and our lives. I’m happy that he has cut the ties that weighed him down-the bullshit, the so-called friends, and finally, the apartment.

Despite all this, moving doesn’t magically fix anything. I still ache. I still think about it every day, and wonder if I know the whole truth. I still ask why it happened. I still look for her. I still have an issue with redheads (irrational, I know, and I’m sorry, gingers). I still wish every day that she would fall off the face of the planet. These feelings aren’t really within my control, unfortunately.

But overall I’m happy. It’s a giant positive step forward for both of us and it makes me look forward to our future together. In our home.